Tears of blood

Tears of blood

Ih ave been crying on and off since thurday afternoon after getting the HAPPY NEWS , a very dear friend has come in to her OWN , most probably for the firt time in her life , you are not of your own realy while under the roof and stuff of a pareant and all to often we RE CREATE lives with similar themes fromt then on , repeating dysfunctions we saw growing up . thinking that is what life is

“ You can not see the silver lining unless you are looking at the clouds “ the word of a sage …

so I told myself I was going to FEEL this event not hide and distract myself like I know I can get FOCUSED on work and goals .. and all the gREAT AND WONDERFUL things all around me …no ..now I was going to FEEL this

so as my friend cam e back home satruday I met at the door tears in my eyes , she so ex cited and full of LIFE AND SELF EMPOWERMENT and tales of her growth …. I knew she was leaving ( me ) …. And I am happy , sad, torn the fuck up , I have of course cryed over many girls . mainly in blame and anger and confusion to , and LONELYNESS poor phil alone again shit … this time it was COMPLEX … and the tears were/are … what they call in ARTS bitter sweet tears … ( lucky it started to rain and that is forcing me to let myself write . …. In spirit action )

the soul is of the I in I …. The illusion of separation is the gift of TIME/SPACE … sure all great fucking logical shit I understand MENTALLY ..but this morning as I was taking her positive affirmation POST IT notes off the cabnet in the bathroom , I started to cry and scream and shake … like a trapped animal IN THE THROES OF LIFES .. transition , the change of being BIO MECHINCAL and that what state of mind ,, and the returning to SOURCE self which knows ALL IS WELL … as the sage says you maybe screaming as you leave this play ground but you are not screaming as you re-enter the TOA .

so in the BLENDING bio mechincs and emotional ….. difference between a BRAODER SELF which is all all times all ways …. And a me here and now that has the chnce to FEEL PAINS … to FEEL to taste .. laugh ,, to cry … to plan to work … to relax and play .. to stress or trust … I ws crying YELLING so hard so much that my MACHINE tasted what it translated to the BODY as blood …….OOOOOPS this is bad … !

crying blood would be a bad thing for a bio machine . the machine in tis desire for self preservation needed to ACCESS the data .. was this taste of blood …blood? Stop …look .. access … Lucky NO , but it was a shock of the 2 parts of being-ness , THE ME WHO feels happiness and losss ….and the bio machine that wants to Live … IN all my pains and feeling oppurutunity the bio machine continues to process data , to grow hair to breathe to digest , to grow finger nails … etce tcetc …while I think the world is coming to an end in the part I live thru the 2 GIG A BYTES of consiuos brain use … processing
power .

Sunday as we fininshed loading the car , we told ourselves we would do some other things , acting AS IF everything was … normal . BUT by now she to was crying too ,,, she had to leave THEN FAST go be happy … I had,,, HAD the oppurutunity to touch her hair ONCE MORE in the middle of the night like I had done a 1000 times before to check to see she was OK …. And I cryed myself back to sleep … I got one more TIME to scour the yard for that perfect flower … fo r the kitchen , to bring her coffee once more as I wake her ,, and like I would day after day , just enjoy looking at her before I woke her up , touching her curls , maybe lightiy kissing her forehead …

I HAD HURT HER IN SO MANY FOR SO MANYYEARS … and now she is BEYOND ME …. Safe from hurt feeling hurt unless she wanted to FEEL IT .. for hwt you RESSIT will only persist …

I do not resisit this sadness …. Why I feel sad , when the other part of me is so FUCKING COMPLETELY happy in the strength happiness and life of my friend ..well that is now and will be gifts of learning . ,,,of INSPIRATIONAL ties of events and stimulations to thought paths .

Like Thursday night as only few hours had passed , and I was dealing LOGICALLY with the events I know were coming , I talked with my gay friend ,,, one we got on the topic of his JSUTIFACTION for being gay but before that

“ what if in the ahrem he asked a girl wanted to leave and the reason was for another male ..how would you respong ,, would you invite the other male into your world to keep her in your world ? “

ahh the depth and confusion we are all having …because of being trained away form the meesage of BIO MECHNICS .. and listen to FAIRY TALES of love … the TRAGIC LOVE STORY which is the basis for my tears of pain . not my tears of JOY .

no I would not …invite himin to keep her SHE IS NEVER MINE TO ….. KEEP like property …. That is the observable to be found in the Gorilla world , the wives the females can come …. They first need to find peace with the other females , then find peace with the male then maybe there may even be MATING / FUCKING … and like wise she is free to walk away and join up withsome other dudue and that does happen

but ..the silver back a good silver back who … did the right thing is not left alone , he would only be left alone if he was UN WORTHY . if he was mean cruel or stupid … that in fact would be NATURAL SELELCTION at work … a self centered soicopathic expression who does not care about tohers would not live for the benefit of the FAMILY UNIT … so no suruving DNA .. would be left to re create … ( ahh but some how in human we have allowed the sociopath to live on ) not my current desire to write about hat now

no I want to BE the emotional confusion the pain of loss ..the happiness and pride of seeing a friend gorw and know I helped in some tiny way ….. and I said to my gay frind …. If she was ahppy ….. I would side by side fill the car with her new boyfriend .. ( I am glad to see to that my girl friend is not living dependnant on another guy right now , she is LIVING FROM HER OWN strength this time cool … and form that position her next love will be ….. what ever it will be )

but I as the ….. male she is leaving would not myself be in an UN NATURAL STATE of …alone-ness . fro we humans are social animals … being alone is a PUNISHMENT .. that is what we do to prisioners in jail ..put them inot SOLITARY CONFINEMENT …. I am happy that this time , this break up , I am alone no kids to watch my melt down to be confused ..at the stress expressions … there is no need to SUPRESS and stay strong so the kids willnot see dad be weak they are kids and need stability in a parent …

NO this time there is GREAT LEARNING from the tears … like the idea of how I limit my action and so does she based upon …living in the same house exampled by the cleaing out of the junk drawer yesterday …. There is much supporoitn evidence trails in this pain and feelings and support and love and hope . and alones to ..to bring into http://www.instinctualism.org/index.html ( this blog realy will have to find its way inot the page of positive aspects

When a child has a dream and a parent says, "It's not financially feasible; you can't make a living at that; don't do it," we say to the child, run away from home... You must follow your dream. You will never be joyful if you don't. Your dream may change, but you've got to stay after your dreams. You have to.
--- Abraham http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php
Excerpted from the workshop in Asheville, NC on Sunday, May 1st, 2005
You do KNOW THAT at an atomic level they say that not 1 atom of your living bio mass is over 7 years old ..we are ALWAYS still kids .

I have been following my dream ..writing and that writing actually has been hurting my friend …. For we do not see things the same way …. On many many subjects form relationship core issues to economics etc …. So my RUNNING away from home , caused her many tears ,, and from those EMOTIONS … wants were projected and she hasnow let herself ..have her wants ….. I am happy … I know I wll be crying soon as I continue the process of packing up her stuff ready for her last return in a few weeks to get thte bigg stuff …. But it will be all of these little things that make me cry . happy or sad .. I am still ..confused about .